A Stalker's Day
by Cyram
Summary: Link is a descendant of the Hero of Time. Shana is just a dumb girl... A dumb girl that stalks Link, that is. Oneshot


**This is the first one-shot I have ever done, actually... It's quite odd, to be exact. This is also the first time I've ever done anything within the Zelda genre, and ALSO this is the first time I have ever done anything within the comedy genre. Plus! This is my first update to FanFiction in almost a year... Enjoy and Review! No matter how mean or how nice!**

**Rated 13 and up for mild cursing, slight perverted themes and most importantly... A.D.D.**

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Who is the character of this story, you say? No, it is not Link and No, it is not Zelda. It's not whatsherface or whatshisface or anyone in-between. Not even Epona, for that matter. No, our character for this story (who is _definitely_ not the heroine for that matter) is some... girl... Her name, you ask? It is... um... Shana? Yeah, Shana! Shana, the fifteen year old girl that was five feet and two inches. Straight-ish brown hair that went passed her shoulders, and eyes that were of a dull green color. Also, she was pretty... dumb...

What does she have to do with the **actual** hero, you ask? Not much... Well... besides the fact that she stalked him and what-not.

Well, it was as peaceful as the day it was yesterday, here in Hyrule Town. Everything seemed as normal as could possibly be. Of course, we're talking about a place filled with sewers that lead straight to the castle, a girl that paid you for finding two inch bugs for her, a guy that paid you to hop around on platforms, and a giant shop that only had about three things you could really buy from it. Oh yeah, and let's not forget the giant diamond that was in front of the castle that no one seemed to really care about, or even notice for that matter. No, let's just live our boring lives and not notice a giant yellow-purple-like... _**thing**_ that decides to appear around the castle that controls the land... Smart...

With all of this you think a werewolf wouldn't get much attention, right? Wrong... Link found that out the hard way. But of course, that was a while ago. Now Link has other things in plan. Like trying to find a way to move those statue things with big holes in them. Woo! It's great to know the hero of the land does such important things.

Anyway, that's almost not the point. So here is... er... SHANA! Yeah. Sitting by herself at a table that was in front of a... place.. that you wouldn't even notice unless you decide to randomly run around like an idiot because you don't know where to go and decided to go up the out-of-the-way stairs that you found barely sticking out of the corner of the screen.. I mean eyesight... Barely sticking out at the corner of your vision. Yeah, that's what I meant.

Anyway, enough of the details-that-people-hate-and-get-bored-with-easily-so-they-stop-reading-and-consider-the-story-to-be-stupid, and lets get onto the STALKING!!!

Shana sat there, elbow on the table and hand on her cheek. Bored out of her mind, she was. Sitting there with her feet barely touching the ground (since she was so short) and she just swung her legs back and forth. Waiting and waiting for her beloved person dressed in green.

She had been waiting for _quite_ a while. They had already met on a few occasions. Like... Like... like the time He (He being Link, and being capitalized because she deemed him important enough... Like when "We" is capitalized, you know?) dropped a rupee and... and... she stole it because she was too embarrassed to return it and didn't want to seem weird because she had just crashed into his backside because she was running around trying to chase the floating white things in the sky... as usual. What were they called again? Oh yeah, clouds... yeah...

Then there was this one time (after she had already been deemed a thief in his eyes... well... his radiantly glowing some-odd-color eyes that sent shivers down the girls spine from their 'hotness') that she like... Passed out on the ground randomly, one day. And he like, tripped over her legs and woke her up and dropped some of his rupees, and then, thinking it was a ploy to get more rupees from him, he quickly gathered up all the money-like things grabbed his sack and ran away... (And that's money sack for all you perverts, and don't you forget it)

They then met on several other occasions where Shana decided to take it upon herself and follow him around town while staying in the shadows. She didn't consider it stalking... She just considered it following a guy that she was starting to fall in love with... Considering he never said a word to her... or anyone else for that matter. He just liked to sit and stare and people responded to him like he was magically telling them what they needed to know. I mean... oh whatever.

ANYWAY, back on track to the current time. Where she's sitting at a table and waiting for him. While you've been instructed of all this _important_ backstory about... four days have passed. Little girls with hot guys in their thoughts didn't need to eat... or drink... urinate... or go to the bathroom, period. In fact, she didn't even visit the bathing quarters very often. So she probably smelled like... er... what people smell like when they rarely bathe. Simply put, she smelled like a mixture between body odor and poo. The most _attractive_ smell in the world.

A flash of green catches her eye... or, wait... that could just be because she's been staring at that big orange...yellow...thing... for about... oh, well... let's just say long enough to start burning out your retina. 'Course, this wasn't the case for her, anyway.

So she decided to jump out of her chair and start screaming like a maniac who forgot to take their medication and forgot the person's name of who they were yelling at.

"RINK!!!! OH, RINK!!!! I mean... WINK!!! OH WINK!!!! No.. Wait... LINK!!!! Yeah! Link!!!!! OVER HERE, LINK!! It's your love!"

Beyond reasons he knew why, Link turned around. Noticing his mistake he gasped and quickly made his way out of sight.

"NO, RINK! OVER HERE!!! GET BACK HERE, YOU WILL BE MINE!!!"

So, the little girl chased after him. Well... Almost little... Little in the height-sense, anyway.

Link couldn't believe it. Out of all the times the weird stalker-thief-thing followed him around. Never once had It followed him outside the city. Anyway, the dude dressed in green whipped out his nifty little horse-shoe shaped thing and blew an enchanting noise. I mean, it only took him about more than half of his journey to get someone to hand it to him with a string tied to it. Never once had he thought to just carry around the plant with him. Besides, who likes to make noise with nature? That is SO not kinky.

Anyway, out came the girl running so fast that it seemed that boots were going to fall apart because she was kicking herself in the foot so much.

"RICE!!! LICE!!!! What am I talking about? LINK!!!! MY LINK!!! COME HERE!!!!!"

Yes, Link's ancestors had saved the entire land of Hyrule. While he himself had swung along a rope of monkeys, sank to the bottom of the ocean, killed a bunch of white... glowy... things... and even killed a bunch of giant fish! Let's also not forget running blindly into a volcano and falling into the lava a bunch of times only to magically reappear at the door, he also had hummed along with all these giant rock things and fought this one ugly armor thing in a gigantic white place that poofed out of nowhere! (He's mental) He had ran into a forest and made his sword all magical by stabbing it into a slab of rock with a hole in it. He then also has the giant arsenal of things like... a metal claw thingy that has some rope attatched...! It has a handle, too... But that's not important! A stick in the shape of a Y with a rubber band attached. A bunch of glass bottles which SCREAMED alcoholic. Who collects Bee Larva, anyway? That'd make me feel like I had a bunch of white, slimy maggots in my hair.

SPEAKING OF HAIR! He had done aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall those things for Hyrule JUST so this little girl can compare him with Rice and Lice... Kinda makes the two seem similar, you know? Link sure wasn't going to be eating any rice, soon. Not that he ever ate anything, anyway. I mean, when those bottles weren't filled with alcohol and bee larva they were mushed full of liquid-like things he got for attacking giant jelly things. That's all he needed to get his hearts. He lived off hearts, you know. Not food, like a normal person. I mean, he could be another cannibal, here. Who KNOWS where those hearts go after he picks them up. Well... he DOES manage to hold about fifty-odd items without showing a single bulge anywhere on his body. Makes you think he's impotent, you know?

Oh yeah, girl... running... screaming at him... Link.. running away to Epona... girl... crying. AND SUDDENLY FIVE BOKOBLIN SENTRIES ATTACK HER!!! (dun dun dun) You know... the green dudes with the clubs? Yeah, those things.

Hearing the girl scream louder than when you run over a piece of metal sticking out of the ground with a lawnmower Link decided to turn around. He sighed before a senile grin appeared on his face when he took out his bow and fired a wave of arrows at the group of things which considered of: one weird girl and five goblin rip-offs.

Sadly every arrow missed. Well, they missed what he was aiming for. All the Bokoblin or whatever things died. The girl was perfectly all right, though. Her feelings for the greenly-dressed man increasing to the point where they almost touched those fluffy white things in the sky. So Link sighed (showing that he actual had a working voice box) and took off.

Oddly enough the girl kept hearing things in her head that were telling her to 'go away, scary girl'. Awkward. She's not going crazy! No! She's just too mad in love and all those bubbly things on her skin were talking to her! I mean... acne... boils... warts.. All that sexy stuff.

Anyway, soon she was once again chasing after the man she had fallen so madly in love with. Too bad Epona ran a lot faster than she did... for she was soon lost and ended up in a place called... Cockariko? No... Kakariko Village. Yeah, that was the name.

Anyway, she stumbled into a priest with long hair and fat lips and decided to ask how she could either get home or find her green dude. Well... she would have if the guy would have paid attention to her after her greeting sentence.

"Hello, Miss, do you know where"

_He was most certainly not a miss_ he joked to himself. He may have been kinda wimpy, and maybe even limpy for that matter, but he was most **certainly** not a miss. He almost forgot the girl had been talking as he debated to himself about what made him a Mister instead of a Miss, and then he suddenly had a recollection of her greeting him and decided to respond.

"Hello there, Miss." He bowed, "How are you doing, today? Are you looking for something?"

The girl glared at him as best as she could for about the five seconds she had left before she had another ADD moment. Soon enough, she forgot their conversation, entirely... and even the fact that she had been gawking on about the green dude for about half an hour before he even responded.

"Hello there! I'm looking for a.. er... green dude. He carries a sword? Has brown hair and sexy features?"

"Oh, you mean Link!"

"Is that his name?" The girl almost drooled because his name somehow 'connected' (hint... hint) him to her in some cheesy way. "Anyway, where can I find him?"

The priest pointed up.

She stared at him strangely, "That's not a Link... That's only a thing that looks green if you stare at it for a few hours... _Actually_ everything looks green to me, at the moment." (Hence she had been staring at the sun on her entire lost-walk there)

The priest still pointed up.

"Okay, Mister 'priest' how do I get UP" she pointed her wrist at the sky without even noticing she forgot to use the brainpower to just tell one of her fingers to point that direction.

"Hyrule Lake" the 'male' replied.

"THANKS!"

It didn't matter that he gave her no direction whatsoever and that she didn't even know what a 'lake' was, but-

"OH IT'S A CUTE LITTLE BABY!!!" She gawked as she saw all the poster signs with a small bald child's face on it. She was just about to go inside when she noticed some plants that looked like Link's necklace. She did a glee of joy and ran over to it trying to avoid the... awkward looking clear stuff that reflected the color of the sky.

She bit down on the whistle... I mean, plant, and blew as hard as she could. Accidentally moving her fingers around the holes on the top of the thing in an odd manner. Galloping is suddenly heard as a beautiful horse rears up next to the girl. Looking for it's owner... Not finding it's owner... Wondering why the hell it came here to begin with...

"HORSEY!!!!!!" The girl jumped with more glee than a rabid rabbit on crack. She quickly got on top of the thing and pointed her finger directly forward and smacked the horse on the ass. "Now we RI-" To finish her sentence... she meant to say 'Now we ride face first into the ground because Epona threw us off her back because she doesn't like us.'

Anyway, the girl got up, her face completely drenched in the mud from the ground... Basically she didn't look any different than she normally did. (Because she's nasty) (but not that way, you pervert)

So after about four hours of pouting, crying, and fighting off two creatures that turned out to be sticks, she FINALLY found where she had been told to go... And it was full of all that clear-ish stuff she didn't like to be in... Oh well, no use going back now. She was fucking lost, anyway.

She hopped in and after about an hour of flailing around like she was being raped by ghosts... she made it to the giant cannon thing that a dude had built... because Link wanted to be shot into the sky. Apparently the old man didn't think anyone else was dumb enough to go in the thing, so he left it unattended... as he stood in front of his purple-ish-roofed house and... well... apparently waited for Link to come by so he could get some MONEY... I mean rupees, RUPEES!!!!

So the girl hopped inside and was soon shot into the air. 'Course... People don't like to be randomly shot into the air so that they have gunpowder stains burned into them... Well... they DID seem pretty burned into her and her hair until she hit the water... and she hit it HARD! So hard, in fact, that she SLAMMED into the bottom of the pool of water into the hard stone... Gave her a nose-bleed, though... At least it fixed her crooked nose. 'Least the powder stains were gone, too... and who knew gunpowder could make such a good shampoo? Well... whatever people used to wash their hair with in those times/dimension. I doubt they use plants they can blow on for that. HAHA, LINK! No blow for you! NO BLOW FOR YOUUUUUUUU!

Anyway... as the girl slowly drifted toward the top of the water a duck-like thing with a skinny little neck and a big giant head waddled over to her. It was an Ooccoo, and was quite curious about what the little girl was doing there.

Once she awoken and she saw it the first thing on her mind was to HUG it really, really hard... Poor Ooccoo... She snapped it's little neck against her flat little chest... Oh well, let's just leave the dead little ugly thing on the water and go find Link!

Suddenly a loud ROAR was heard and then a crashing sound. Soon enough Shana... oh yeah, I forgot she had a name... Haven't said it in so long, anyway... ANYWAY, Shana ran up to the point KNOWING it _had _to be Link... 'Cause Link was awesome like that.

After a few minutes of jumping... floating... (magically, of course) (PLOT HOLE, UH OH!!!) And... doodling her name on a wall... Shana finally made it to the source of the noise. There she found Link. Sitting down with his legs crossed and dolls in his hands. One was of a giant dragon, and one was him... They appeared to be 'fighting' and Link made all the sound effects himself. He even spit on them to make it seem like it was raining.

All this time following him... just to see him play with dolls... Shana jumped off the side of the ledge and landed on her head after a few minutes of falling. So she made it out okay.

She had forgotten ever seeing Link play with dolls and was still as in love with him as she had been before-hand. THE JOURNEY BEGINS ANEW!!!!

(But not really)

-End-

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**So what'd you think? I've been wanting to write this for SO long and it came out SO different than I had expected it to be. Of course, I sorta wrote this all in a rush (and still took 4-5 hours to write it) and for now, this is unedited. So there MIGHT have been some errors. So if you saw any that weren't there on PURPOSE please tell me, I'd like to know.(edit: I edited it)  
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**But please pleasepleaseplease review! 'Kay!?**

**Yay!**

**-James**


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